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Are You An Ally?

I talk a lot about support by family in these articles but what about the public at large?

My personal dealings and contacts yield two polarized camps.  The one camp is very negative towards us as evidenced by the Prejudices article.  These seem to be primarily in the very protected zone of anonymity of the internet.  The other is of course in real life and their reactions are even more difficult to accept.

We see the stares and frowns of displeasure.  Occasionally there is a snicker and if the encounter is with teen aged girls in the mall; well, there are no bounds to the possible cruelty.  This of course completely rules out any situations where violence could be a factor.

The other side of this coin is the ally.  Now the person here may not understand us, nor would I or any other trans person expect them to, but they do have a quiet sense of curiosity about us.  They want to learn more.  They try to empathize.

I have met some allies in my life over the past few years and they truly are a joy to be with.  Unfortunately, I am usually the one who cannot forge any kind of permanent relationship.  This isn't due to a lack of wanting, but rather moving forward with life.  (This website has been a massive undertaking on its own and continues to draw my time as it grows.)

So how do we identify an ally?

• Empathy.  The person is able to empathize with the internal struggles we endure.  They try to see the prejudices not only of the public but those we place on ourselves.  Seeing these and breaking through them by not “letting us off the hook” destroys a major barrier we keep in place.  It is called trust.  Once the first one falls, the others will be easier to break as well.  In short it is simply caring.

• Action:  The person sees the prejudices and is proactive in their daily lives to thwart any overt or covert prejudices.  This could be in correcting misinformed opinion during conversation, writing letters to newspapers or parliamentarians, or even attending LGBT meetings.

• Learning:  The person endeavors to learn about transgender through fact finding.  They confirm the facts but not before questioning their validity because of the amount of misinformation available.

• Contact:  The person when coming into contact with a trans person, sees a human being first, not a curiosity.  They keep that focus in their dealings with the trans person.  They are not adverse to using proper pronouns or their correct name.

• Support:  The ally will give of themselves in order to assist in bettering the life of a trans person.  This may be in the form of helping one in poverty, employment, housing or in healthcare.  They see a human being in need of assistance and treat it as such, not as a pity party but as a genuine offer of help.  They follow through with that assistance and never take it for granted that their single act of “charity” is enough.  It isn't.

It is interesting to note that of the five points listed above, only the last one requires any real physical effort to put into action.  All of the previous ones are internal to the person to act in accordance with their conscience.

Being an ally is not just lip service acceptance.  It requires belief; not only in yourself and your convictions, but equally in the good of humanity; all humans.  It requires you to examine your own prejudices and challenge them.  It requires you to stand up for your own beliefs and extend those to others.  It requires you to walk away from “the bullies” who will not attempt to understand.

To those allies I have met, thank you; Pam R, MS, Candice L, my daughter, and so many others from the cisgender community.  You are each cherished by me personally but equally by our trans community.  You make us all more human and you make the world a better place.

Kimberley

February 2009