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Transgender London |
Behind the MaskWhen you look at her, you may see some abhorrent freak or someone you presuppose to be mentally ill, but I challenge you to look deeper; look behind the mask she wears and into her soul. You might be surprised. You will see a kind and sensitive woman, no different from any other except for her outward physical appearance. That is what you see as an affront. You do not see her, but you do see the visions of your own prejudices and everyone has them; even she does. She has seen a lifetime of prejudice. The hurt she has absorbed would flatten most normal people, but she has somehow miraculously managed to absorb it and put up barriers to protect herself from more. When a family member cracks an inappropriate joke, she cringes then cries inside while maintaining her outward composure. It hurts and it is painful to her very core; the essence of who she really is, yet they may not know how much pain has been caused. She is tired; very tired. The life she leads is a lie and every day is a challenge to rise to meet the day of presenting that lie she has learned so well. She has learned that for her survival, she must be aggressive and tough. She has learned that she must compete when all she wants is consensus and peace. She has learned her coworkers find joy in belittling others. She has learned she has only the option of playing their silly games if her employment is to continue. She is lonely; very, very lonely. She may not be alone, but her loneliness is separate. She loves, but her partner doesn't accept her, so she is not loved back. This hurts more than anything else in her life. Yes, she is loved on a sort of platonic level, but not truly loved unconditionally for who she is. She is fearful. She is afraid for her own safety of course, but more than that, she is afraid for those she loves. She is afraid they will feel the sting of bigotry because they are close to her. She is afraid that pain they feel will drive them away from her; they may not have the strength to stand in the face of that hardship. It is easier to run than to stand. She knows this all too well, she has been doing it her entire life. She is angry. She is angered by the intolerance, ignorance, prejudice and bigotry she must face every day of her life from the moment of waking until sleep again grips her. She is angry at these same things being leveled at others for no more reason than they are different in their race, religion, sex or any other point of discrimination. She feels their pain and it angers her. You will see her love. She is voraciously protective of those she loves; to a fault. She would be willing to risk her own life to save theirs. Every maternal instinct is alive and well within her. She may have contemplated ending her own life to spare others the pain of her life. You will see her patience. She has seen a lifetime of adversity and each day she prays for and waits for some small measure of acceptance that most often doesn't come. With a small sigh, she will wait another day. It is her nature. You will see her pride. She knows who she is and she is proud of the person so many miss. She is proud of her ability to love, hope and cherish. She is proud of her ability to laugh at herself first. She is proud of the accomplishments those close to her have achieved. You will see her joy. She relishes the person she is and is happy with that. She sees her strengths and she loves herself for them. She sees her weaknesses, and she puts them into a perspective that she can control. She loves the warmth of the sun and the cooing of a grandchild. She loves the cool fall air, and she loves to walk holding her partner's hand even though it is so rare. She feels special for it. She is a transwoman and she is proud of who and what she is. Look deep into her eyes, you may be surprised to see she and I are one and the same.
Kimberley January 2009 |
This site was last updated 02/14/11