Transgender London

Friends, Girlfriends, Boyfriends and Anguish

Friends, Girlfriends, Boyfriends are probably one of the greatest changes of youth and often they are painful. Unfortunately it is a passage of youth into adulthood that everyone on this planet goes through. It is a time of socialization and exploring of a world much larger than the one you knew as a child yet to do so alone is often terrifying. This is where the socialization enters the picture and friends become your source of security in a world you dont understand. It is a world you know you have to enter.

When I was in grade school and going through puberty, I had a teacher; a very wise one. At the time of course everyone was pairing off and forming little groups. There were those professions of undying love until at least Friday. Anyway, things were getting out of hand and a little on the ridiculous side with my classmates. It was the usual stuff of; "Today I am your friend and tomorrow you are my enemy." Garbage really but we have all been there.

This teacher who later became a principal then a superintendant was a rare man. He really was all about his students and he worked very hard to ensure our success. Our failure was his failure. It is a guiding principle I use in my own teaching. Needless to say he was very popular and well respected.

Anyway, one day he sat us all down after recess and told us to close our books and listen. He didn't name names of course but he did tell us we were acting very immaturely. Of course we were, we were 13 year olds. After a 15 minute lecture he told us we had to write a composition about friendship but we were told to not put our names on the paper. We didn't know it but he was going to read them aloud to us after we handed them in. There were a lot of embarrassed people in our class even though he never told anyone who wrote what. (Oh duhhh. Think he didn't recognize handwriting?) Some of them were quite easy to figure out who wrote what others not so. When he was finished he went to the chalkboard (we used those back in the day) and wrote the following:

"If at the end of your life you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand, you have had a good life"

There was so much wisdom in that statement I committed it to memory. He was saying that most people in your life are transient. that is they come and go. Your real friends will be there for a lifetime.

Later, in my years of studying martial arts I was able to further refine that definition of friendship. I came to the realization that friends are internal to my existence. In other words, they are a part of my life that cannot be easily separated. They are people for whom I would go so far as to sacrifice my life if it came to that.

Today, those friends for me are my wife, my children and parent. Total count? 4 people. I know what you are thinking; 'But that is family not friends'. Well, you are of course right. But using my own criteria I KNOW they would do the same. That in my books is friendship. How many people would you be willing to die for? Think about it.

You are in the school cafeteria and a classmate comes in with a gun and starts shooting. He gets to you and your "friend". He tells you that you must choose which one of you is going to die. What will you and your friend decide. You have 10 seconds to choose or he shoots both of you.

I believe that all too often we mistake knowledge of the intimacy of other people's lives as friendship. It really is misleading. That is trust not friendship. Loyalty on the other hand is a far greater ideology and tougher standard to meet.

Ask yourself this. "How many of my "friends" are still in my life after 2 years, 5 years, 10 years?" These friends are transient, meaning they come and they go. They move on with their lives just as you do. Their interests change as have yours. Will they still be there in 20 years? 30 years? This makes them acquaintances not friends. Acquaintances we have by the dozens if not hundreds. Friends are very few and far between.

True friends will always be there for you even if they dont agree with you. They will 'live and let live' knowing the person (you) is more important than the exterior. They may not like what you do but they will accept it. They may not like that you are trans, but they will accept it. Some will even support you in your journey. Will your "friend" turn on you after you come out? Will s/he stick around and support you? Will s/he try to take advantage of your situation? Will s/he defend you even at their own risk?

These are tough questions to answer and no one can really know the answers until faced with the situation, but it is something to think about.

True friends are precious. Protect and nurture those relationships. They are your foundation and support system when all else fails.

Huggs,

Kimberley

November 2008

This site was last updated 02/14/11