Transgender London

Home

Articles

In The News

Opinion

Resources

About Me

Help!  My Partner is a Tranny!

Okayyyy.  Let’s start with some controlled breathing, slow in, hold and slow out.  Calmer?  Good.

So you discovered your partner’s stash, or worse came home and found him or her dressed.  Now you are angry, hurt, confused just to pin a few of your emotions.  There is another side of the story here; that of your partner and s/he is terrified.  So, the best thing both of you can do is take some time for raw nerves to calm down before you have “The Talk”.  There is one thing you do need to know and that is this:

Your partner loves you!

Believe it!  If you have been reading from the beginning then you know some of the feelings the transgender person feels.  Love is one of them and it is exclusive.  You also know that the chances of your partner being gay are low, in fact no different than the population at large.  So put your mind to rest on both counts.

Yes you have been deceived and yes you have a right to your feelings.  There is no question of that.  Here is the question you need to answer.  If your relationship was good before this discovery, is there any reason it can’t be again?  Has the person changed or the circumstances?

If you cant wrap your head around this and work together to see this through then go call a lawyer because your marriage is over and you have no interest in saving it.  Do everyone a favour.  This is your choice and yours alone.  You cannot pass the buck or try to get a consensus on this.  If you think you can then you are only compounding the problem.  Either work it through or end it now.  If you waffle, then you are consenting so there is no middle ground or grey area.  It is either or.

Still with us?  Super.

Let’s start with a simple statement of fact.  Yes you have been lied to but that is now history and the lines of communication are wide open, or should be.  You need to forget the past and work on the present with an eye to the future.  If you can’t do it, call the lawyer.

Questions

You have questions, lots of them, but let’s get some of the common ones out of the way first so we can expedite this whole process.  Then you can get down to the heart of the situation, and, that is how you are going to deal with all this.  I am going to approach this from the point of view that your partner is a Cross Dresser.  The situation around the transsexual is far more complex and is probably better done in counselling.

This is sick, an abomination before God.  I don’t think God cares if I am dressed or undressed, in a tree or in the bathroom when I pray.  It is my faith that is being listened to.  Religion has nothing to do with this and in fact it is religion that has been the root cause for much of the discrimination the transgender community suffers.  There is nowhere in the bible that says being transgendered is a sin.  There is a passage that does say hiding in women's clothing in order to avoid military service is wrong; wrong, not a sin.

Why did you lie to me? I knew you wouldn’t accept this before we were married and I loved you then just as I do now.  I couldn’t risk losing you and I still don’t want to lose you.  I love you.

Can you quit?  No.  I have tried before, many times and it keeps coming back.  I hate being like this and if given the choice wouldn’t be like this but there is no magic pill and I have to live with it.

Are you a woman in a man’s body?  You are asking me if I am a transsexual and the answer is no.

Do you want to be a woman?  No, I already told you I am not a transsexual.

Will you become transsexual?  Highly unlikely.  I would probably know by now.  The transsexual just “knows” that their gender and sex are wrong.  I don’t feel that way.

Are you gay?  No.  I am as heterosexual as you are.  This cross dressing is not sexual and has nothing to do with sex.

Do you want to dress like that all the time?  No.  I dress out of a need that I can’t explain.  It is almost like a compulsion.

How often do you do it?  When the mood strikes me, sometimes it is days or weeks in between.  I really don’t have any control over it.

Do you wear all the makeup and stuff?   Not yet but I would like to try it.   We'll see.

Do you go to any of the websites, to look at pictures?  Yes

Have you put any pictures of you on a website?  No.  I have a job and family to protect and if this got out to the wrong people it could jeopardize everything.

Do you like the pictures?  Yes, some times. I like seeing how they dress and do their makeup. And sometimes the really pretty ones are very passable.

Are you going to be more girly now? I don't want a lesbian type relationship.  Why would I do something that would embarrass you or me or our family?  No, I just want to stay low key.

Are you in some online romance or anything like that?  No. One romance with you is enough.

Do you have a girl's name?  I do.  If you have been to the websites you know that everyone uses a pseudonym and I am no different.  It is only a name, not who I am.

I am sure you have many more questions of your own and they are all valid of course.  You want to know.  That is good but just a word of caution here.  Don’t overdo it and bombard your partner with too many questions.  S/he needs time to think and get in touch with his/her feelings and emotions before answering.  If you try to push it too fast you run the risk of closing the communication lines.  Sometimes less is more.  There is nothing that says you have to do this in a couple of hours.  Several weeks or if you are lucky, a lifetime will be a much better approach.

Now it is time to get down to the reality of living with this.

The Talk

As I said previously if you are lucky, this talk will last a lifetime.  Now that it is out in the open between you, boundaries need to be established.  If you can’t first accept that the cross dressing will continue forever, then stop here and call the lawyer.  S/he cant stop and you cant alter the behaviour.  Don't even try

You are going to have to make some concessions here but you shouldn’t accept circumstance with which you are not comfortable.  This is where you have your say, but remember everything has to be willingly agreed to by both parties and not coerced.  It may take days, weeks or months to settle some issues, but that is fine, you have a lifetime ahead of you.

You have already bent a long way in order to keep your relationship together but now the rules have to be negotiated.  They will be followed willingly because you are now elevated to the level of goddess. Climb up on that pedestal. 

Hint: Use it but don’t abuse it.  That day at the spa you want every couple of months just became a reality.  Want dinner out at your favourite restaurant once every couple of weeks?  It’s yours.  Little unsolicited gifts just start appearing?  Enjoy it.  It is good to be the goddess.

So here are some of the major issues that have to be negotiated.

Confidentiality

It has to be understood where the boundaries are as to who knows or even needs to know for that matter.  Your tranny has entrusted you with his/her deepest secret and has the reasonable expectation that you will protect that secret.  If you need to share it with someone, then you need to discuss it with your partner first.  Don't go tell your best girlfriend and expect she will keep the confidence.  She wont; this is just way too juicy.  If you really want to end the relationship then this is a good way to do it, but, it is probably better to just walk away right now rather than destroy confidences.  It will hurt both of you.

Conversely, you have the right to expect your partner wont embarrass you by exposing him/herself to the general public where s/he might get “clocked” by someone you know.

The Kids:  Need to Know?

This is a touchy area and has to be considered on a case by case basis.  The real question is “Do they need to know?”  Only you can answer that.

Generally if the children are young they will accept crossdressing openly and think nothing of it.  So they have two mommies or two daddies or a daddy who likes to dress like mommy once in a while.

The problem here as it is with all children is the level of confidentiality required.

If you have teens this can be a much more delicate situation.  Remember they are going through radical changes in socialization, awakening sexuality and questioning everything including values and mores.  If you are in a large city that has a high tolerance of diversity they may accept it willingly.  If you are in an area that is not accepting then keeping things under wraps is probably a good practice.

Money

This is an expensive little “hobby” and cannot interfere with the needs of the family so spending has to be negotiated.  There can be no secret shopping by either party.

Socializing

You have the right to know what socializing is being pursued with this.  There are some excellent regional and national organizations such as Tri-Ess, devoted to the crossdresser and their significant other.  These organizations offer guidance and support as well as socializing.  It is usually possible to attend a meeting or two before joining and is advisable.

You also have the right to expect that you wont be subjected to any objectionable material that offends your sensibilities either at home or “out”

There are usually “Gay Clubs” that are quite accepting of transgender people in most cities and in some of the larger centers there may even be clubs for transgender.  If you are uncomfortable with attending any of these establishments, let it be known.

If your partner needs to “go out” then you have the choice of going too or staying at home.  Alternatively you also have the right to say you are not comfortable with this activity.  It can be dangerous and should never be done alone.  All laws need to be observed so a trip to the jail house is avoided where the possibility of violence is high.

You can always plan a weekend away in another city where you wont be recognized.

Dressing at Home

If you are going to agree to your partner’s dressing openly at home then you need to express any reservations you have.  Set out the ground rules as to what is acceptable to you and what is not.

If you can’t face it, then give your partner the time to be alone, and before you return, call to give him/her time to change and put things away.  It is a simple request that will avoid a lot of embarrassment.

Clothes, Jewellery and Makeup

What is yours is yours and what is your partner’s is his/hers.  Don’t borrow without asking, and if you do, return things cleaned and hung.  Permission once is not carte blanche.  It is one time only.  Expect the same of your property.  Makeup particularly should not be exchanged for hygienic reasons.

If you cannot handle seeing the accoutrements, then ask that they be removed to another closet out of your sight; then stay out of it.

Summary

This is a time of high stress for both of you and you both need to recognize the effects it will have on the others in the family as well as outside the home.  You have to deal with it.  You have to be honest, open and nonjudgmental.

Counselling is a good idea to help with the lines of communication but the counsellor should be "gender friendly".  Forget the pastor, s/he is not equipped to deal with this and this definitely has nothing to do with faith.