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How Can I Cope?

This is long.  As you read this, I want you to stop; frequently.  I want you to close your eyes and visualize what you have read.  I promise you, it will help.  At the end there are some questions that you need to answer for yourself, not for your relationship but for you.

Imagine seeing a little boy, just 5 or so sitting on the fringes of the story time, tears rolling down his cheeks, but no one notices, or cares.  He isn't crying, he is sad. 

He is a beautiful child except for his sadness.  He is blond, slender and fine featured.  He loves his puppy and his family.  He loves to go to the zoo and pet the animals.  He loves to sing all his favourite songs and his best friend on Sesame Street is Big Bird.  He is smart too.  He can read, count to a hundred and even print some words.  He loves to look at the pictures in his mom's magazines; especially of all the pretty girls.  He just makes sure mom doesn't see him looking.  He doesn't care too much for soccer or hockey or baseball.  They are okay but he would rather read or help mom bake cookies.

So why is he sad?  His friends dont want to be his friend anymore.  The boys dont like him because he isn't good at sports and he cant talk about boy things.  The girls dont like him because, well, he just isn't one of them either; except for Michelle down the street; but she is only his friend when they aren't at school.  That is okay though.  They can sit and play games together and tell each other their best secrets, well most of them anyway.  They have fun together; when they are allowed.

Dad thinks he should play sports and so he goes to hockey but he isn't very good so he sits mostly on the bench and watches.  He also watches the girls and a few boys on the next ice pad practicing their figure skating.  He would like to do that but Dad said no, real boys play hockey so here he is.  What Dad doesn't know is that his big sister has been showing him what she learns in her gymnastics and dance classes.  She thinks he is pretty good at it too.  He loves those moments when they can be together.  Everybody cheered when they put on a little play at Christmas and that felt really good.

So why is he sad?  He is sad because nothing fits for him.  Everything that he loves and wants is denied; and why?  Because others, adults know better of what is best for him.

Now close your eyes and imagine you can see him.  Try to feel his struggle.

Now he is 8.  He is even lonelier than before and he knows why but cant tell.  Well, he tried but mom told him to stop, that it wasn't true.  He is a boy and that is it.  He isn't a girl.  He even heard mom and dad talking about it and dad said that maybe it would be good if he went to a boy's school.  He would get a better education and being with other boys would be good for him and shake this thing.  It would make him stronger.  He heard mom crying because she didn't want to lose him.

Next day he said he would like to try to play little league football.  He was a pretty good runner, the fastest in his class in fact, so, he could play football.  His dad signed him up and even spent time teaching him how to throw and catch a football.  They went out and bought all the equipment.  It was okay and yes he was pretty good at it because hardly anyone could catch him so he scored the most points on his team.  He just didn't want to say he was running for his life because he was smaller than everyone else and he didn't want to get hurt.  Football was okay because everyone liked him.  The trouble was at school where he was picked on.

Dad thought it would be good to learn karate so he started that.  Wow!  Now this was cool.  Sure he learned how to fight and could probably take on any of his classmates but that wasn't what he really liked.  He liked the kata, the forms.  They were like doing a dance and he could even be creative with them, well, except for when doing a test.  It didn't take him long to jump through his belts and when one of the bullies at school thought he would harass him, well, he did get a suspension for breaking the bully's nose.  Nobody messed with him after that.  Dad was mad, but he could see that secretly he was proud.  He just didn't let his parents see him cry because he had hurt the boy.  He didn't tell them the girls hated him for beating up the other boy.  He didn't tell them the other boys moved even farther away from him because they were afraid of him. 

He cries a lot into his pillow and no one knows.  Still, his sister is his best friend now that Michelle moved away.  She is a couple of years older than him and now she is getting breasts and sometimes she is just mean but that is okay because he knows she loves him.  When he is alone sometimes he can even pretend he is her, but no one must ever know so he is very careful and later he cries some more.

Close your eyes.  Can you feel his loneliness?

Now he is 12 and getting ready for high school.  The girls are all giggly over the boys, but not him.  They are all getting breasts and pretty clothes.  The boys are starting to grow up to be bigger and stronger and one of them even has a mustache.  He hates everything about himself.  He hates the hair starting to grow on his body.  He hates what is between his legs and wishes it would just fall off.  If it doesn't, maybe he will cut it off.  That will fix everything.  They are having a school dance but he isn't going.  He asked a girl in his class and she made fun of him then told all the other girls and they made fun of him too.  Nobody cared that he was a pretty good dancer.  The boys just laughed at him because he was just weird and not like them at all.  Who would want anything to do with him?

He knew they were right, all of them were right because he secretly stole a pair of his sister's underwear and sometimes would wear them; even to school.  He was sure no one else did that.  He even tried on some of her clothes and they fit!  He was like someone else, someone he liked; her.  But he would have to take them off and put them away exactly the way they were and then he would cry.  He hated himself, who he was.

Close your eyes.  Can you feel the conflict?

He has just had his 21st birthday and bought his first car.  He loved it because he is now mobile, able to go wherever he wants when he wants.  Not only that but he has a safe place to hide his stash; well except when he is with Katy.  She would just die if she knew and she would leave; something he knows would kill him.  He loves her beyond anything or anyone else in his life and after they are married, well, he will tell her then; maybe; because she might still leave him if she knew.  Besides once they are married this will all go away because they will be married and his career is just what he needs.  It is all man stuff.  Not many girls working on the iron in construction.  That is a real man's job and it pays really well.  Sure it is dangerous but he is careful.

Close your eyes.  Can you feel his uncertainty? His potential loss.

Now imagine he is your child.  Put your child's face there.  Cant do it?  How about your partner's face?

Now let's just turn the tables a bit.

You are sitting at a table in a cafe, your best girlfriend is sitting across from you.  It is a warm, sunny spring day and all the flowers are in bloom.  People are out after a cold miserable winter and everyone is happy to see the snow gone and green grass and trees in its place.  You lean across the table slightly.

"I met this guy."

Your girlfriend's interest is instantly piqued.

"He is just gorgeous, not like any other guy I have known.  He is really courteous, and open.  He isn't afraid to show he is sensitive.  He isn't into the bar scene or doing all the sports things.  He does love to tinker with his car though, but that is better than other things I can think of.  He owns a house and has a good job and treats me like a queen."

"Can I find one like him?" your girlfriend asks jokingly. "Does he have a brother?  Tell me more."

You flush.  "Well in the bedroom... Oh my god!"

"He must be gay.  This is too good to be true."

"Well, he can cook and obviously can look after the house.  And fashion sense?  Unbelievable."

"I thought you looked a bit different."

Sound familiar?  Now close your eyes and imagine you are blind.  You dont know what he looks like, only how he treats you.  You can only feel and sense things.

You marry and have a family and all is well with the world, only you wish you could see him.  It is hard raising a child when you are blind but he is there for you at every turn.  Your life couldn't have been better if it had come from a children's fairy tale.

Now, he sits down with you one day, holds your hands and you can hear his tears as he shatters your world.  He is like you, he tells you.  He always has been and always will be.  He pours out his story to your horror.  You knew he was different and his childhood was not so good but you never really knew why.  You still dont because you cant sit back and put your emotions in check.  You are angry, hurt, deceived and.... you are still in love just as he is.  The one thing you aren't is a lesbian.  You just dont know who it is you love.

The truth in glaring technicolour isn't it?  Now imagine it is your child, parent, best friend, not your partner.

Now this is where the big questions come in.  Only you can answer them.  They are to make you think and question your own prejudices.  They are not here to convince you of anything, only make you think. 

Would you support your child but not your partner?  Is one more worthy of your love than the other?

Is sex more important to you than the person?   You loved the sex before because he always made sure it was the best for you, even before himself.   Now you know why it has always been so good.  Sure there was the odd little thing once in a while but for you it was just adding to the excitement of making love wasn't it?  Now you know it had more meaning for him and you feel, well cheated.  Were you really?  Were you making love with the person you love and who loved you or just having sex?

Is gender more important to you than the person?  Has the person changed?  Have the values held then and now changed?  Are you treated any differently?  How?  Are you still loved? 

Have you changed your relationship? (This is a really tough question.) Now?  Over time? How?  What have been the effects on you and your relationship?  Have perceived negative changes been talked over with you and what have you done about them?  What about positive changes?

Who matters most to you?  The outside world or the person beside you?  Can you stand up and tell the world where to get off because of love, or will you conform to the societal pressures rooted in ignorance of you and your relationship?  Does society dictate your love and relationships or do you own them?

A lot to think about.