Transgender London

How Do I Support My Loved One?

I was touched by a letter I read from a girl in her early twenties. She wrote to say that 9 years after the fact, she now understood why the most important man in her life ended his. She was a young teen at the time when her father took his own life; unable to cope with society and his being transsexual. Of course she stated that she now understood it wasn't an easy way out, but the hardest thing he had ever done in his life.

At the time she was very bitter and rejected him for his being trans as did her brother, sister and their mother. They ostracized him and in the case of her mother, made his life even worse through the divorce that followed. Her regrets today are that she couldn't tell him she loved him. Today she understands. That understanding came a decade late for her and the guilt she bears over her part in all of it weighs very heavily. Her letter was filled with emotion and regret.

I have been accused by some significant others of being too hard on them in these articles. I wont deny that, nor will I apologize for it. People all too often act inappropriately after a transgendered loved one comes out. This coming out is a moment of terror for them and it is very unlikely they haven't already considered the worst case scenario. It is often the SO who either confirms or allays those fears. So, if I am harsh it is simply for the reason of making people take pause and think before lashing out or making the situation worse. You have a responsibility to yourself and your family but also to your loved one.

So, what can you do to support your loved one?

Start with telling them you do love them. If you cant say this then you probably didn't love them unconditionally to begin with. In this case, you need to reassure them that things will be okay, that you want to work it out. If you dont want to do that then leave now and dont come back. You shouldn't be reading this or anything else that might help the situation.

Yes, your relationship has changed and it will never be the same but the question is, do you want it to go on in a new form? The fact that you are reading this should tell you that you do see it as worthwhile pursuing. If you are a spouse then you may not want to be in a homosexual relationship and that is totally understandable assuming your partner is a transsexual. If s/he is a CD or TG then accommodations may have to be made.

The first thing your relationship needs is a dose of understanding on your part. You NEED to get educated about what your loved one is going through and more importantly, where s/he has been. It isn't pretty I can assure you of that. I can also assure you that the disclosure is a cry for help in changing that life. Make no mistake, it IS a cry for your help. That said you can start by assuring the person that their relationship is secure with you.

Love: Tell them you do care and if appropriate, still love them. Make sure they FEEL this. Words can sometimes ring very hollow and you may have to show them in some way. You will have to find this for yourself. It might be as simple as doing their laundry or buying a little gift when you are in the drug store. (My partner often buys bath gels, body sprays etc. for me.)
Negotiate: Let them know your feelings about the situation but do so in a kind and loving manner. Then let them know what you can handle. Dont try to impose limits but tell them what you can manage to live with on an occasional or even a daily basis. Be clear and concise but never be cruel.
Help: Assist them in their quest. If they are looking for psychological help, then make sure you support that in every possible way. If that means you have to go to counselling sessions then be open to do that. If they dont want to discuss their private sessions then respect that.
Respect: While this shouldn't even be an issue, it too often is. You need to respect your loved one's needs and they similarly need to respect yours. This may mean giving up some space and time to your loved one's needs. It may mean that you will have to take a "Dont look, dont tell" approach.
Trust: Trust that your loved one is being totally honest with you. If you throw up a single barrier you will lose that trust they want so badly to share with you. The disclosure was the largest barrier the transperson ever has to overcome and there can be many of them; each one different and each one no less daunting. Support of the act of coming out itself is crucial to keeping communication going.
If the relationship is to end, then make sure they feel you are still their best friend. This means engaging other family members and friends in support of the change but equally, in support of them. If you engage in a war with the transgendered person, everyone loses just as the young lady I mentioned in the beginning did. No one wins; ever.
Protect: If anything, this is probably the single most important point to supporting your transgendered loved one. They are vulnerable both with you and others close to them, but even more so in the world outside. You need to have the strength of character to stand beside them and present a united front against the adversity that is sure to come. If you cant do this then you need to question the depth of your own feelings for the transgendered person in your life.
Talk: If there is anything that will destroy the whole process it is negative talk or no listening. You need to listen not only to the words but also the feelings being presented. People love to talk but few people listen. This is the real key to communications. Empathy is the real key to going forward with the new relationship. Without it, the relationship is likely doomed.
Ask: ASK THEM WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP!!! There are no hard and fast rules but be sure to ask them what they would like you to do. Dont limit this question. Make sure it is open ended so they not only can, but feel compelled to respond. Be prepared to listen and if necessary, act.

None of this is easy. It is extremely difficult for everyone. The real pain in this is the potential for a lost life either through suicide or disassociation. Both can be destructive not only to the transgendered person but to everyone in their life. You can save a life; maybe it is is your loved one's or maybe yours or your child's. Is it a risk you are willing to take?

Kimberley

January 2009

This site was last updated 08/11/10