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Transgender London |
How Do WE Feel?There is often a great deal of emotion surrounding this and most of us in the transsexual community are probably more aware of what our partners are experiencing than is believed. We truly are aware and it is very unlikely you could say anything we haven't heard at least several times before. There is a tremendous amount of pain and confusion and it is fueled by raw emotion. Still, a lot of significant others dont really hear our feelings. Forget the logic and listen to the feelings of other transsexuals and how living with Gender Dysphoria affects us. The comments below are actual quotes and come from both Male to Female as well as Female to Male transsexuals. Some have transitioned, some are in the process, and some have yet to start. The ages of the people quoted are from early twenties to late seventies. Their marital status' varies from single to divorced to committed to their marriages. My personal thanks to all; who have allowed this very intimate peek into their lives. ********************************** "It is like being in a prison cell with no or very little outside contact and only allowed out for exercise a few hours every day." - Kimberley "Like I'm just a hollow shell and what's really inside is too scary to think about. When my mind wanders to that place, I always come away sad" - Jill S "It feels different at different times. Sometimes it is a minor discomfort which I can laugh at. At other times I barely notice. Others, I have a burning hot disgust and hatred and anger. Sometimes the disgust is really strong. But I still try to be kind to myself an love myself instead of being angry with myself, because my body doesn't mean to look/feel all weird and upset me. " - Jack "Like I am living a total lie, and there is just no light at the end of the tunnel." - Shirley "For me it's constant anxiety and depression. I hate my body and have often thought of self mutilation to force the process to begin. I know it's the cowardly way out but the mind isn't thinking straight on this matter. Wanting to be the other sex occupies my thoughts every waking moment." - Andi "I have been bottled,
stoned, beaten up, threatened on other occasions, constantly abused and
my home targeted 6 times by locals. This is one of the reasons people
who want to transition put it off, as they fear it will happen to them,
but if gender dysphoric like me, you simply give in to it at some point
in your life, as the depressive, suicidal thoughts drive you mad, so
there is only one way to end it and that is to transition. Empress Lainie says: "Before my transition on epiphany day: I always felt different from other boys and men (I don't even like to say "other" any more). The day I transitioned to 24/7 female was like getting out of prison, or a butterfly leaving the cocoon." "I feel when I'm a guy I'm trying not to show I'm female inside; and when out in public as a female, trying not to show that my body is male." - Suzy Harrison "To me it feels like something you carry around always - can't put it down or give it to someone else to carry for you (though you can share the burden sometimes). And, depending on your frame of mind/outlook any given day, it can feel very heavy and burdensome (especially on tired days) or it can be much lighter and barely noticeable at all." - Capt. Lex A dark, frustrating and lonely place to be. No matter how honest you are with yourself, for me it's a perpetual lie meaning I'm a male that should've been female or a female that was born male. Even with full transition (SRS) there's no getting away from it. - Ashlynne "It's a constant ache in my head, in my gut, in my bones. It's a feeling of longing or yearning for a long lost love. It's like my heart is always broken. It's terrible. It's torment. It's anguish." - Marie Rose "I don't remember too
clearly. Obviously, it was frustrating enough that I was willing to
spend a lot of money on surgery and risk family, friends, and career
just to alleviate the feelings. "Before I was on hormones, it was awful. It dominated my thoughts all my waking hours, I was depressed, lonely and in a lot of pain. Pretty much sums up my life from childhood up until that point, constantly aware that I was different, hating myself, hating what I was, railing against the world because of the perceived injustice done to me by nature, and having increasingly serious thoughts about getting out. Today (on hormones for a long time, and having had an orchidectomy) it is still there but not completely dominating my life. I am able to function successfully in the workplace, home life, etc, whilst planning ahead for the day of my transition. I have accepted who and what I am and am comfortable with myself. Of course, the biggest hurdles are to come, but I am in the best shape I have ever been in in my life now." - Anna "For me it's not being who i believe i should have been a woman , the feeling of wanting to belong but not allowed in .. that was my fear.. until i transitioned and now i am just one of the girls .. like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders" - Marissa "For me my gender identity was not an issue until middle school. That's when my choices of androgynous clothing was ridiculed by school mates and family members. Then the fear of real physical danger from my step dad required me to bury those feelings. And with out understanding why, I always felt removed from the real world, that something wasn't right about the way that I could never fit in to the assigned gender role. Crossdressing became this back and forth battle between my desire to be female and the fear that if I ever told anyone that I might lose my life from a family member." - Carol "Like a pallet of bricks constantly on my chest. Like a clamp squeezing my heart. The constant distraction in the mind that impacts productivity on all levels. Depression which saps my soul, sometimes falsely masked by abuse of alcohol. The only cures I've found are those times I'm pleasantly engaged with my wonderful family and of course having the chance to present as the female I am." - Sara Jessica "It's like driving the wrong way on the wrong side of the freeway, trying to avoid getting smashed to bits, and knowing and seeing across the median drivers driving YOUR way." - Kerrianna "I feel happy with my
gender dysphoria because knowing and accepting that means I now get to
be me all the time, even in the wrong body. "General sadness. that
might sum up my realistic viewpoint on a situation I can't realistically
alter." ... . "I think also that getting older puts an added stress into
the equation-that I am not going to alter my life-won't risk my workable
marriage to be alone and lonely. It is bad enough to be lonely inside, I
don't want outside too." -
Helen R "It's feeling like you are fundamentally broken, and you can't ever be fixed. It's very lonely." Serrus "It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Emptiness, loneliness, confusion, unbearable anxiety. It's like breathing but not being alive." - Michele I haven't felt trapped since I accepted my female side and embraced her I only feel at odds with society because of the looks and treatment I get when out in public, what a ridiculous price for just being myself." - Morgan "I can best sum up how GD has felt throughout my entire life in just three words: A constant wanting." - Amy "It is the constant
feeling of a unending sadness which has left me with scars on my skin
and deep within my soul. I feel like I am in a prison with no bars where
I am forced to walk among the free, and feel such envy that I will never
be whole. Like a dead person envious of the living. "It's a constant struggle to try and find happiness. I don't think it's possible." - Lauren S "Lost at sea in a boat
with a slow leak." - Grace
Rebecka |
This site was last updated 08/11/10