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Is Transition Selfish?

This seems to be a very commonly leveled charge toward the transitioner.  I personally think it is a perfectly logical assumption but I also think the concept of being selfish has to be further defined to ask if the transitioner is self absorbed.  Therein is perhaps the real heart of this charge.

The process of transition is selfish, by definition it has to be.  The transsexual undergoing the medical interventions is doing so in order to more closely align his or her physical appearance and in the end sexual appearance to be congruent with their self identification of gender.  This is selfish; it is also necessary.  It is a purely personal process.

The more pertinent question is whether the transitioner is self absorbed.

A big milestone in the transsexual's path of development is "coming out".  During this very uncertain and often painful time of revelation, others are told of the transsexual's Gender Identity Disorder.  This is often when friends and family turn their backs on the person.  Some will remain of course and their continued involvement in the life of the transitioner can take any number of unpredictable directions.  This is also when the individual has to "come out" at their place of employment.  As has been pointed out previously, careers are often lost at this time or shortly afterward.  The net result is that the transitioner is often left feeling very isolated and alone.  They often question if they have done the right thing and they are also at much higher risk of suicide during this time.  Their traditional support system is gone and they feel they have nowhere to turn.

A well planned transition will have an alternative support system in place to cover such an event.  Hopefully some of that support system will come from family and friends who didn't turn their back.  That of course is the ideal situation.

Those who do reject the transitioning individual often see the decision as being selfish.  As I said before, it is.  However the way the coming out was handled can determine whether the process is self absorbed or not.

If in the process of planning the process the transitioner has failed to account for the wants and needs of those engaged in his or her life then one has to consider that the planning has been poorly thought out and executed to begin with.  In other words, no attempt to include loved ones in this life change has been made.  The transitioner has essentially said "To hell with everyone else, I am doing this for me and they can choose to come along for the ride or not."  This is not only selfish but self absorbed.  Others are not really given the opportunity to become a part of the process but instead told they can tag along.

This is usually an attitude that leads to a failed transition.  When I say failure I am speaking in terms of continued emotional support after the completion of the process.  All too often in this circumstance the transitioner finds him or herself alone with a new body and no social network of truly caring people in their life.

A properly thought out and executed transition will attempt to avoid this scenario.  It usually requires the assistance of the therapist to engage those loved ones so that they are seeing the transition as a growth in the life of their loved one instead of an act of selfishness.  Call it intervention if you will but do call it necessary.

It is difficult to separate emotion from reality in this, so for those caught up in it, detached discussion is all but impossible without a neutral third party.  This is also a part of the HBSOC.  So, the therapist is obliged to try to engage family and friends to attempt to understand but not convince them.  It is a tricky path.  The transitioner should be in full agreement with this process both for the family and for themselves.

Anything less is being self absorbed.

Kimberley

January 2009