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My Partner is Transsexual

This is a much different scenario than having a CD for a partner.  It isn't an impossible situation to work with but for those who can, they are very very special indeed.  My knowledge of partners who stay married to a TS is that they dont see the exterior but rather the interior.  Even they will admit that it isn't an easy road but those whose marriages do survive are all the stronger for it.  The fact is that most marriages where there is a TS partner do break down.

As I said earlier I am transsexual, non-op for now but who knows if that will change?  I cant say.  What I can say is this.  While my needs to be the woman I am are at times overwhelming, my needs for family are always there.  For me the thought of losing that and what little is left of a long career is what keeps me from transitioning.  That is it, nothing more or nothing less.

Now to you.  You have had the talk and you are in tears, emotionally drained, totally deceived, hurt beyond words and don't know what to do.  Maybe you want to lash out or maybe you just need to get away to think.  Be careful because you are about to set the tone for the future and if there are children involved their needs have to come before your emotions.  Fail there and your children will resent if not one but both of you down the road.  The other alternative is to see that they actually have two parents.

Let's start with a simple question.  Do you love your partner?  I am not talking about the trappings but the person.  If you can answer yes then you stand a chance of keeping your marriage together.  If you answer no then you need to tell your partner and decide how you are going to end your marriage.  You can do it amicably or with venom.  It will be up to you.  If you choose the latter then try to remember you are going to shatter a life.  Do you really want to live with that on your conscience?  If you do then I am going to say you need to see a counsellor as well as a lawyer.  Regardless, I am going to suggest you see a counsellor if not alone then with your partner which would be preferred.

If you think this can end amicably then you will probably have the best girl/boy friend of your life.  Again this is your choice.

Now let's look at the Gay/Lesbian thing.  You aren't gay and cant see yourself in a gay relationship.  Of course not, you are cisgendered, totally male or female and that is that.  The thoughts of a gay relationship sicken you.  Am I close?

The reality is that you have been in one from the beginning but you just didn't know it.  I know, that is a pretty harsh statement but it is also fact.  Now it is a question of sexual intimacy right?  Oh you thought that is what I was talking about?  The gay person is no different than anyone else except their preference for one of their own sex is preferred.  Do you think it is all about sex for them; or do they also fall in love?

I am not trying to change you or your thinking here.  What I am asking of you is to examine your emotions, thoughts and prejudices.  Remember this is all about gender, not sex.

Okay so you have so far agreed to counselling, to try and keep the family together, try to understand.  You already know this cant or wont change.  Your partner will only come further out of the closet.

Here is the cost to your partner once s/he comes out fully.

• Job and career.  Despite corporate diversity policies suddenly your partner's performance becomes sub standard.  A case is built and s/he ends up being dismissed.  Another job is out of the question.

• Friends will go.  They wont understand, wont know how to relate and will walk away muttering.

• Family will turn their backs.  They don't believe any of this.  Gonzo!

• Extended family will turn their backs.  They have nothing or very little invested so they will walk away.  If you stay with your partner, maybe they will shun you too.

• Discrimination at every step and turn.  Public facilities,  employment, insurance, medical help; all those simple things you took for granted are now jeopardized.  Never mind the ignoramus on the street or the teenage girls in the mall who are cruel beyond reason.  "No you sick son of a... you cant use our change rooms to try that on!"  How about flying to your exotic holiday destination; there is a REAL set of problems.

Hopefully you can see some of the apparent hopelessness your partner sees.

Transitioning

Okay you are going to stay and see what the future holds.  Let's start with transition.

It starts with psychological therapy and after a while if all goes well your partner will be recommended for hormone therapy.  You will also have to undergo counselling.

As part of this therapy your partner may have to live 24/7 in their true gender role, take the hormones and continue therapy.

Now you have a teenager with raging hormones going through puberty on your hands   OUCH!  Maybe you are menopausal at the same time.  Even worse.  Not all doctors will insist on the real life experience prior to hormones, some will give them prior to the real life experience of living 24/7.

Beard removal through electrolysis will be done as well as some in the perianal/testicular area in preparation for GRS.  This whole process can take two to three years.  No, laser is not permanent despite some claims.  If you have your beard etc removed by a physician it is all tax deductable.  I believe the GRS can also be deducted but am not positive.  You would have to check with Revenue Canada for a ruling on this.

Eventually s/he will get a letter for gender reassignment surgery.  Think it was expensive before?  Figure the cost of the surgery that can run anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000 depending on where and who does it.  Then there is breast augmentation and facial cosmetic surgery.  The total price tag can top $100,000.  Note, I said COULD not will.  It can be done for half that.  About the price of a new, fully-loaded SUV.

Then there is all the legal stuff like birth certificate, social insurance number, driver's license, health card, passport and the list can go on.  The actual process of name change is relatively quick, getting everyone else on board is another story altogether.

So, now it is all over.  You are still together, still in love, your children have accepted it and you have a new set of friends.  Life can go on.  Yes it can but it will still have the same problems as before.  The only thing that will have changed is your partner's sexual identification.  All the old "junk" will still be there so if you aren't totally in synch with one another, the road ahead will still be dotted with potholes. 

Remember, your partner is no longer a transsexual, s/he is cisgendered.

It is up to you and your partner how your life will evolve.  If you let others determine it for you, then you are doomed.  Life as a transsexual is difficult at best.  Life as the partner of a transitioned transsexual can be no less difficult.