Transgender London

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The Transgender Child

As I stated in the beginning, I have been transgendered my entire life, right from my earliest memories.  I was punished for my girlish tendencies and ostracized by most kids my own age.  “He’s weird” was not an uncommon judgement made about me.  I learned the terrible trio very early and practiced it my entire life until a few years ago when continuing the fraud was no longer possible and I suffered some serious mental issues including suicidal ideation (Thankfully I blinked at the last second.).  Today, with the help of an exceptional psychiatrist I have a better understanding of myself and some tools for survival.

My being transgendered has interfered with every part of my life and made some areas nearly impossible to function.  Perhaps with time and more perseverance I will be more successful, but for now it is a large question mark.

This is not what I want any child to endure and I feel it is an obligation to try to “save” just one child from this misery.  If I am successful I will feel a great satisfaction.

 Okay, now this is where I am not going to be pretty and sugar coat things.  If you are the parent or guardian of a transgender or suspected transgender child you have an enormous responsibility to help him or her.  Part of that responsibility is to help yourself.

First of all, you cannot “handle” this, not alone or with a partner.  You NEED professional help from a counsellor for yourself and your partner.  If you aren’t willing to get counselling, then go grab a cold beer from the fridge and go watch NASCAR because you are not interested in saving your child.  I am.  I admit this is a brutish statement but it is one well made.

Still with me?  Good!  It is a step in the right direction.

Let’s begin by stating that this isn’t the end of the world.  It is in fact the opening of a new direction.  It won’t be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Let me start with a simple fact.  Transgender is rare in and of itself.  The child who matures into an adult as a transsexual is also rare, however, the adolescent who expresses gender dysphoria will likely enter adulthood as a transsexual.

“An extremely low number of children experience their gender identity as being incongruent with their phenotype and, as a consequence, are uncomfortable with the gender role expectations imposed upon them. Adult outcomes in such cases are varied and cannot be predicted with certainty. Only in a minority of these children, some 23% according to one study (Cohen-Kettenis, 2001), will this incongruence persist into adulthood and manifest as transsexualism, regardless of phenotypical socialisation and nurture (Zucker 1985; Green, 1987; Zucker 1995; Ekins, 1997;Prosser, 1998; Di Ceglie, 2000; Ekins and King, 2001; Bates, 2002).

Although few gender dysphoric prepubertal children become gender dysphoric adults, those experiencing the condition as adolescents, almost invariably do require access to adult services (Wren, 2000)”[1]

So that is at least a little bit heartening isn’t it?  Still, you have to be prepared and you have to prepare your child.

The Declaration

Suddenly, out of the blue your child begins insisting she is a boy or your boy insists he is a girl.  S/he wants nothing to do with gender/sex appropriate toys or clothing.  It can be a real battle with this, Right?  It has to be taken seriously.  It may be nothing or it may be the child transsexual exerting him/herself.  So what do you do?

Well let me guess.  You take the child to your paediatrician or family doctor who says it is just a phase so encourage the child to play and act in the appropriate gender role.  Okay, first question.  How much experience does this MD have with transgender beyond a small lecture in medical school?  Probably none.  So that definitely rules him or her out as an expert.  The child knows more than the doctor.  Believe it.

Oh so Dr. Phil said it is a phase or you should take your child to a psychologist and encourage him or her to be gender appropriate.  Dr. Phil has a lousy track record when it comes to transgender.  If you read everything on this site you will know a lot more than he or the other "info-tainers" do.

The one thing you have to do though is find a therapist, preferably one experienced in gender and even better if s/he is experienced in pediatric gender issues.  It isn't easy because they are few and far between, but they are out there and you owe it to both yourself and your child to pursue this.

Your child will absolutely require a gender experienced doctor.  Note I said doctor, not counsellor.  This is not as easy as opening the phone book.  You will need a referral from your family physician and if there is a gender clinic nearby this will be your best bet.  If not you will have to interview the psychiatrist.  You may have to travel to another city to get the help so do it.  It wont be a weekly thing, maybe a few times a year.  If you think this is a huge imposition ask yourself if you would travel to other cities for your child's sports.

Why a psychiatrist?  S/he can prescribe medications a psychologist cannot, or alternatively advise your family physician of the medications needed; if and when they are needed.

Counsellors and Counselling

I said you need counselling and I meant it.  The child you thought you had is gone and another is in his or her place.  Well maybe but more about that later.  What you need is grief counselling because that child you had is lost.  You cannot go forward and help your child if you are grieving; it is not possible.  Each time you look at your child you will be reminded of what was and you need to focus on the here and now that leads to the future.  You can’t do this alone.

Not all counsellors are created equal just as not all doctors are equal.  In this case you will be better served by a counsellor who is experienced in dealing with transgender.  S/he will have insight into transgender that a regular counsellor will not.  What you absolutely don't need is someone who is going to tell you how to raise your child.

Now, forget the pastor because this is not a religious issue and your pastor, no matter how many letters after his/her name is not trained nor equipped to deal with transgender issues.

Daily Life

Having a transgendered child is going to present a myriad of obstacles in yours and your child’s path and what is more, they will be in a constant state of flux.

Assuming you have accepted your child for who s/he really is then you have been able to recognize that your child is the same person as before, only now, your view of him or her has had to change.  It isn’t easy and I can only imagine the pressures that would place on a parent.

Being transgendered I often wonder how I would have dealt with a transgender child of my own.  I know that the support that is required is enormous not only in the sense of dealing with family but also the larger world.  I think that the top of the list is unconditional love. 

I know as parents we give that love anyway, but the transgender child requires more of it than a normal child because of the reassurance needed in dealing with others.  The problem here of course is striking a balance with siblings.  Showing one child to be favoured is in no one’s best interest and can lead to more destructive forms of sibling rivalry.  The last thing any parent needs is to bring discrimination inside the home either directly or indirectly.  Showing a disproportionate amount of affection to one child over the others is discriminatory.

Children need boundaries and the transgender child is no different.  You have to establish the same gender based standards for the transgender child that you would if s/he were naturally cisgendered.  This means that if Johnny is really a girl, you need to treat her as such.

Stepping outside the home is another adventure altogether.  If you are in a narrow minded community that is unaccepting of diversity, you may have to relocate.  As difficult as this is, your first obligation as a parent is to protect your children.

Remember that children can be extremely cruel and your transgender child is a prime target.  If it means having to take your child a half hour away to attend school or home-school your child then you have to put the child’s needs first. 

Once again; if your daughter was a promising figure skater would you hesitate to take her an hour away every day for her lessons and coaching?

But the playground isn’t the only place you will encounter discrimination.  How about the public washrooms in a restaurant, school, or other public venue?  Will your child’s school make accommodation for him or her?  Greater still, are you willing to go against the school to gain your child’s rights?

Will your church openly embrace your child?  There are many congregations that do, if you need to; find one.

These are just a few of the daily problems you will encounter with your child.

Singularly, the most important issue is keeping the lines of communication open with your child.

Once puberty begins your child will also have the raging hormones.  If s/he is transsexual and that should be well established by this point, then s/he will want the breasts of the other girls, or no breasts like the boys.  The problem here is that it is also the time of social growth and adolescents place a great deal of importance on sexual development.

The doctors can place your child on a regimen of drugs that can hold puberty at bay.  The advantage to this is that it delays the development of secondary sexual characteristics such as breast growth, beards etc.  This will allow the doctors time to further track your child’s dysphoria.

Normally a child is not allowed to transition until the age of 18.  By slowing the development of secondary sexual characteristics, the child who is to transition will have a much better result.

As I pointed out already, this is a time for social development and sexual awakening.  Your child’s peers are likely to be suspicious at the least and discriminatory at worst up to and including violence against your child due to the lack of physical development.  Open lines of communication are critical to everyone for you, your transgender child’s physical and emotional safety and for the other members of the family.

Another problem is self destructive behaviour by the transsexual teen.  The Gwen Araujo story is one that sticks out glaringly.  She pursued a dangerous course of high risk socialization and sexual activity that in the end cost her her life.  She was murdered.  Even so, she had a very supportive and loving home.

At around the age of eighteen your child will be able to pursue his or her true gender by making medical decisions.  A good relationship with your child will be the additional support needed in making these decisions.  As an adult s/he can now actively pursue transition.  This is a real dangerous time.

The transsexual teen will want instant gratification; something the medical community will not provide.  They will follow the prescribed HBSOC which in and of itself can be perceived as an obstacle.  The danger is this.  Through the internet s/he will be able to order the hormones s/he wants.  This is self prescribing and no matter how well versed s/he is, it is dangerous.  It is very dangerous and can cause serious physical problems leading to organ failure and even death.  The only solution is with proper medical care.

If it means you have to take on the medical establishment to support your teen then do it and don't take no for an answer.  Your child is at high risk and needs your support and love.