Transgender London

The Weight

There is no amount of reason and argument that can possibly describe or even begin to describe the sometimes crushing weight of being transgendered. When I say transgendered here I am leaving the CD and TV out of the discussion. This is about those of us who identify as female in whole or in part. We are a unique group and there are often similarities in life that we share that add to the burdens we carry.

Frequently we are married or in very committed relationships that just as often involve children as part of the family. We have often lied to our spouses about our identities and this comes on top of a lifetime of lying to ourselves about who and what we truly are. We are transsexuals. We are also people with the same frailties as any other.

We love our families and spouses and this is the real moral dilemma. Despite our very "liberal" attitudes and educating our children to be accepting to diversity, this very act is one that terrifies us when it is time to come out to our families. It is not without some justification. People do not understand trans and educating our children to be tolerant then becomes a lie when we come out because they now know they too have been lied to about the real person they knew as a parent.

We probably would like to think we have been teaching our children to be diversity tolerant so that when we did come out they would understand. That is a crap shoot and we know it but still convince ourselves that they will understand. Some do and some dont. Regardless, in most cases the children are surprised no matter what age. We also seem to ignore the fact that in raising our children to be tolerant and understanding, they are equally subject to the influences of society and can be conflicted as a result.

So coming out has its already established problems. Some people will support you even if they dont understand, others will not understand and walk away and some will very publicly denounce you.

I have to live with all of the above and more. The more I live with is the decision I make each day to not transition. It is not an easy decision because the consequences for that decision are heavily emotional and often result in depression and anxiety. Sometimes it is debilitating but most days I can manage to work around it by pushing it aside. It isn't an easy task that is for sure because the need to transition is omnipresent.

Obsession is something everyone experiences in their life at different intervals. It could be over love, or a new car or leaving your children for the first time. It is always short lived. For myself it is constant. I go to bed at night with it on my mind, my dreams are filled with anxiety and often have me waking in the middle of the night; sometimes several times a night. I wake with the need to transition on my mind.

I agonize over how I should present. How much is too much? Is it enough? Will I be laughed at or assaulted; physically or verbally? Will I receive looks of disdain from those who dont know me but judge me based upon their own ignorance? Or, should I present in my biological gender and avoid all of the prejudice and bigotry. Am I being true to myself when I do so?

Then I have to face the world. Will my coworkers understand? Will my boss? How about the company? Will they be willing to support me through the most difficult decisions of my life? Will they see that no matter what, my abilities to do my job dont change even if I do? Will they accept me for who I am and will they protect me from the ignorance of others? Will they promote tolerance and diversity? Will they make it a non negotiable tenet of employment?

Will my church accept me? What about my fellow members? Last week I wore an Armani suit to service and this week it will be a Liz Claiborne suit. Will they accept me? Will they tolerate me or ignore me. Will tongues wag about something they know nothing about or will they ask me to help them understand. Will the pulpit be used as a tool of love and understanding or vitriol and prejudice?

When I go to my doctor will her nurse be friendly or will she do her best to get away from me? Will the patients in the waiting room eye me with contempt, curiosity, or indifference? Will my doctor be understanding or throw me out?

When I meet my girlfriends for lunch will our requested table suddenly be unavailable? Will we be seated near the washrooms or kitchen? Will our meal be rushed for no reason than to hurry us on our way? What washroom will I use?

When we go shopping, will I be denied access to a change room to try on the clothing I want to buy? Will the cosmetics artist help me make my selections or will she walk away? Will the shoe salesperson look for the style I want in my size and width or just step out back to laugh then return saying there isn't anything available. When I go to the salon will the stylist actually do my hair in my true gender role; the way I would like it?

As I walk through the mall will I hear the taunts of teenaged girls or boys? Can I feel safe enough to walk to my car? If I am injured in an accident, will emergency personnel treat me the same as any other trauma case?

Will my rights as a human being be respected. Will those who most matter to me in my life be a part of my life.

This is the weight I carry every day. Some days it can be crushing.

Kimberley

December 2008

This site was last updated 08/11/10