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Transgender London |
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Discrimination Within the Community? Kim’s Story This is a personal post on a subject that is close to me. So let me state that while I am transsexual, I had to make the very painful decision to not transition. The consequences of that decision stare back from the mirror every day of my life and rub my face in it. I also cry a lot because of it; others in my life just aren’t allowed to see that vulnerability. I first knew I was different very early in life; probably around the age of 3. I remember having the daylights beaten out of me for touching the pretty lace and soft cloth. Boys don’t do that. It was the first lesson that drove me into the closet. Subsequent events met with similar outcomes so by the time I was 5, I was buried so deeply in the closet nothing would ever get me out, or so I thought. I was different from the other boys and really didn’t like them and the girls didn’t want me around because I was different. So, that made me the “bully target” and they took full advantage of me. That is for sure. I “became” a boy because I had to for survival. I played football and hated it. I showed enthusiasm for cars even though I hated it, I did all the right nudge, nudge, wink, wink things boys were expected to do even though I hated it. It was all a lie. It took me almost 40 years to figure out that in order to escape the bullying, I intentionally failed the 8th grade just so I wouldn’t have to go to high school with these people. I wasn’t stupid, not by a long shot, but by becoming a glorious underachiever I was able to avoid much of the very overt discrimination. Even today I have a very difficult time liking myself. What is to like? So, it is hard for me to accept that others might actually like me for who I am. High school was relatively uneventful. Still the bullies existed and a few of them found me. My advantage was that the biggest bully in the school had befriended me so the others left me alone, well, at least until Dave ended up going to jail when we were in the 12th grade. He knew I was different just as he was different. In that, a very strange kinship existed. He never asked and I never told. I never dated. God forbid a girl should discover my secrets. I was approached by my guidance counsellor about coming back and taking the makeup year to do the Arts program and thus head for university. I declined. I had had enough and wanted nothing more to do with school. I have since learned that I could have handled it easily but, it was the right decision at the time. So I graduated and went to work in industry because I had been “streamed” as one who wasn’t university material right from the 5th grade. In short, I was labelled as a dummy. I had certainly succeeded as an underachiever and there was no way I was going to let anyone see anything but that. So, I took an apprenticeship in a very macho trade and hated it. I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to exercise those creative wings that had to stay folded. I met a girl and yes, I fell in love. We married and had a family that I still adore. That is probably one of the few things in my life about which I have no regrets at all. In my late 30’s I came out as a crossdresser to my wife, in the hopes that maybe I could get some support. It never came. In fact it created a wedge. I lived with it because I still loved her. Even today that feeling remains. Regardless, I “hit the wall” several times between my late teens and my early 50’s but I always managed to get through it. In my early 50’s I finally came out as a transsexual. I had known this all my life but never put a label to it. The internet was pivotal in this revelation. It was for me the worst time of my life. The Gender Dysphoria had developed into full blown Gender Identity Disorder (if you accept the definitions of the American Psychiatric Association; which I do not). It was also the best time of my life because for the first time I now knew I wasn’t alone. I was lucky because I received excellent psychiatric help after a suicide attempt and at the same time, met another girl like myself who had it together. She was able to help me and keep me on the right path. She will always be my sister no matter what distance separates us. She is probably one of only a few select people to whom I have totally opened up. One of those people rejected me for all of this. I still feel that pain every day. The help I received from Donna actually has given me a purpose. The first is this website and more importantly, to help others through their own crises. The website is obvious, the people I have helped are not. I don’t make a big deal out of it because it just isn’t me. I prefer to help and work behind the scenes. Besides, my decision to not transition has set me up for discrimination within our own community. So, why won’t I transition? First, my family is all important to me. I know for sure that one of them would stand beside me if I were to go forward. The rest would not; in fact some would turn their backs on me. Why should I create that kind of stress for myself as I am now nearing 60? It would mean divorce. I would lose the one person I have loved most even though she rejects me for who I am. It is okay to present as male but never the real me. I would lose everything I worked for all my life just so I could exchange it for the remainder of my life in poverty? It is too late in life to rebuild a life; at least it is for me. I would lose my job. What is left of my career would be gone. So, I would be without income of any sort short of the pittance allowed by social systems. These would prevent me from transitioning. Now to the argument on the other side of the coin that is “What about my happiness; being true to who I am.” Okay, so you tell me if I would be happier living alone in poverty and misery or living a lie in some comfort with occasional yet short lived pockets of joy? Should I exchange one set of miseries for another? To the hardliners in the transgender community apparently I am supposed to do just that. I disagree. Being transgendered is what I am, not who I am. There is a difference. Life is much larger than being transgendered and to allow that to overshadow all else is to lose a significant portion of life. It is what I believe and what I live. As I said, others in the community vehemently disagree. For that I have been shunned and even ridiculed behind the scenes. How do I know? I do have contacts who do speak with me; who are privately of a similar mindset. These are the people who understand what I do and the reasons for it. They are the ones who will not engage in the gossip. Some of them are in the process of transition or are already transitioned. They are also much younger than I. I have no designs on being a “community leader” or spokesperson. I do not want that for myself. I never have and never will. There are others better suited to the spotlight than I am and I am appreciative of their efforts and bravery for being very public. I just want to work quietly and help others. I just want to make the lives of my brothers and sisters better so they don’t have to suffer as I have and will continue to do so. I will continue to hold up my life as an example of multiple mistakes. If just one person avoids them then I am happy. To date, more than a few have. I refuse to apologize for that just as I refuse to apologize for my “politics” in making our lives better. If others can’t see that, the problem is theirs. If they can’t or won’t help they are a part of the problem not part of the solution. Those who support such attitudes are being misled. We have much work to do as a community and this sort of infighting is counter to making progress.
Kimberley May 2010
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This site was last updated 08/11/10