Transgender London

Home

Articles

In The News

Opinion

Resources

About Me

For Parents

Having a transgender child is probably one of the greatest challenges a parent could possibly face.  Certainly other situations will create difficulties but having to live with and more importantly, raise a transgender child will present multiple challenges.  So let's begin by stating right up front that this isnt going to tell you how to raise your child.  It is going to attempt to give you the tools you need to support this child.

If you have been reading this site, then you should be aware of at least some of the challenges we in the transgender community face.  Well, if you love your child and want the best for him or her, you need to accept that those barriers are now yours as well.  You will have family and friends that won't understand and will turn away from you; for any number of excuses.  As an adult, you are better prepared to deal with this.  You will encounter medical professionals who will refuse to service your child.  You will encounter educators and a system that isn't prepared to support your child and may in fact, promote discrimination.  You will encounter people in the general public who will point and snicker and even some who will get in your face because your child is different.  These are your child's problems every day and now they are yours.  Are you prepared to deal with them as an adult?  Are you prepared to support your child unconditionally?  As soon as you put conditions on your child, you are not supporting him or her, in fact you are discriminating.

By the time you are reading any of this you will have discovered that your child DID NOT choose to be trans.  So, if you think it is a choice you need to go back an reread everything on this site until you do get it.

If your child wants dresses and patent leather shoes at home, don't tell him or her that s/he must dress as a boy in public.  What message are you sending to your child?  Are you protecting her or hurting her?  Are you setting her up for much worse when she no longer will tolerate boy's clothing at any time?  How are you helping your child grow?  Are you contributing to a healthy sense of self esteem?  Or, are you protecting yourself?

Yes, it is YOUR job to raise your child.  It is also your responsibility to learn and adapt with your child.  If you fail, the child will fail.  That is a fact.

You as a parent must accept that your child is different and has special needs.  You must accept that you need to cope with your child's needs.  You cant do this alone.  You need professional help; for you.  So, this means finding a counsellor who has experience with transgender and can relate to the difficulties you are going to face.  This counsellor cant tell you what you must do, but can help you make your own decisions.  Still, you must be willing to look inward and resolve your own issues before you can be of any significant benefit to your child.  If you aren't willing to do that, you are hindering the growth and development of your child.

You will eventually need the services of a psychiatrist or psychologist for your child.  This person must absolutely be experienced with transgender and preferably with trans children.  That is the real tough one because there are very few therapists with these qualifications.  However, it is critical to note that the therapist must use a Humanist/Existentialist approach to counselling.  This means the therapist will help your child with interpersonal relationships.  Any mention of Cognitive, Behavioural or Reparative therapy should send you running to find another therapist.

There are many in the religious community who will profess to being qualified counsellors.  Okay, but this isn't a religious issue.  Would you go to a veterinarian to treat your heart attack?  Of course not.  Don't take your child to a vet either.

Okay, so that is the easy part.  You thought that was hard?  Think again.

Your son is dead so you need to do your grieving (remember your sessions with the counsellor?) and start raising a daughter.  Yes, that means teaching her how to behave socially, play, grooming, dressing, and everything that is a part of being a girl.  Your daughter may have a penis but that doesn't change a thing.  When she gets older, she will have even more pressures at puberty because choices will have to be made.

Let's begin this section by stating in no uncertain terms that transgender youth are a HIGH risk for self mutilation or suicide.  They are also at high risk to become victims of violence.  This is why your role as a parent is even more crucial than before.  You and your child are going to have to make some decisions.

First off, there are hormone suppressing drugs that will delay puberty.  Essentially, they block the release of testosterone in boys and estrogens in girls.  What this will do is prevent significant changes in the transsexual child.  It is a well established fact that children who undertake this regimen then opt for cross gender hormone treatments later will likely have more pleasing features for their true gender role once puberty is allowed to proceed albeit through cross gender pharmaceutical intervention.  In other words, boys will look more like young women and girls will look more like young men.  This can have significant impact on post sexual reassignment surgery mental states.  It is often a major problem for transsexuals to "pass" in their true gender.  When adolescents are allowed to delay puberty before introducing cross gender hormones, the end results are usually more appealing.

However, to even get to that stage, the child will have undergone significant therapy and the doctors must be satisfied that the child has been suffering lifelong from "Gender Identity Disorder" before recommending any interventions.  Now here is where it gets tricky for your child.  His or her peers are re-socializing as young adults and your child is being held back.  The girls are developing curves and breasts and the boys are developing muscle mass.  Their focus in relationships is changing as they begin dating and even sexual activity.  Your child cant go through it.  At age 16 - 18 your child may be given cross gender hormones if s/he meets the criteria laid out by The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care.  Now his or her puberty will begin.  S/he is now 5 to 7 years behind her chronological peers.  His or her dating skills will be nonexistent or minimal at best.  S/he will be entering college; and puberty.

Of course your role in all of this is to be the best and most supportive parent you can be.  Yes, of course there are boundaries and consequences for actions, but they shouldn't be any different than they would be for any of your other children.  That is parenting.  Taking care of the needs of your transsexual child should not detract from the needs of your other children and the the standards should be the same.  Do your homework, do your chores, let's go to a movie, out for dinner, etc.  You need to give your transgender child as normal a life as possible.  The only difference is the gender role and in that, you are bringing her up to be a beautiful young woman or him to be a wonderful man.  It is your legacy; your gift and there is none greater.

The Pros and Cons of Lupron Depot for Puberty Interruption