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I
Need To Love Me
I can relate to that
foreign feeling, looking at my birth assigned apparently female body and
saying who is that ? Its so alienating really to go through life this
way as i have; coming on 52 with liver disease, and social security; I
have resigned myself to make my self settle into accepting that there is
a name for what i have beyond being a butch dyke.
So many decades went by for me, with so much going on in my life in
terms of just surviving I just lived with that din, and the roar around
me made it not so nagging. As a birth assigned female I have a male
wardrobe, and cross dress every single day and no one even notices
really. I could send out the I am gay signals clearly enough and
still do; and what went on in my head in bed , was my business. Without
a full beard I will never pass; and there is a part of me , that would
really really like one. A beard that is. Top surgery would be divine.
Its out of my reach. and that has to be ok - I can bind and flatten. I
can enjoy my chest tats. I can live in peace. I must live in peace.
Looking back I am not sure if I have regrets for not doing more i.e. I
would like more facial hair and having no breasts , I would like no womb
and a released clitoris yes I would , and to go shirtless in the summer
is something I wished for since childhood. All the push ups over
the years I would be small and cut, yes i would. I am probably the only
person on this forum who has their day made when they are "sirred".
regrets are such a waste of time and energy.
Its just not to be for me. The more I dwell on it, the more I do wish I
had done things differently simply to experience the other side of my
life - how would it have been; All speculation and sometimes that's a
waste of time - at this place in time for me. But honestly - if I was
just a little more together IF my childhood had not been so stormy , if
if if ... I probably would be a male now. Instead i am genderqueer. and
its ok.
What I have decided to do is everything I can for my room mate who is 33
to help her get all the surgeries she needs and find the life and love
she so deserves. In the meantime i am Ze , I am Nicki the queer
form of Nickolas and its not my birth name. I had to change my name to
something more androgynous. My middle name is Edward for Edward
the dyke a homage to Judy Grahn. I can pack when I feel like it and love
whom I please.
I am ok.
The first person I really need to love is me. AS IS. and get over some
of my major "trust issues" I am a very alienated person; always
felt second class, always in the gay ghetto which I love thank you very
much. Love it! And if I find love again or it finds me - it
will be with a woman of trans history and identity because of that
journey , no one can know until they have the miles , the pain, until
they have walked in those shoes. Who could possibly be more trustworthy
in my opinion and with that Point of View; nobody.
Nicki
March 2009 |
