Transgender London

Talking with a Transperson

We get it, we really do; it is hard to talk with a Transperson about transgender or about themselves without feeling uncomfortable, intrusive or maybe just being seen as being rude or nosy. It probably is one of the roots of transphobia as perceived by a Transperson; justified or not. Still, take heart because a little sensitivity and politeness can go a long way to taking down barriers, opening doors and initiating a dialogue that is beneficial to everyone.

Most transpeople don’t mind talking about it as long as the conversation doesn’t strip them of their dignity. After all, would you answer highly sensitive and personal questions about yourself? Of course you wouldn’t so why would you ask these of another human being?

These are the sorts of questions that anyone would resent. As a matter of fact, in order to get that ‘mystery Ontario government phantom assistance for SRS’, such questions are asked by the gatekeepers at CAMH in Toronto. It is exactly for this reason I declined a referral to their gender clinic by my own pdoc. (I did this rather rudely I might add.) Some details of my life are simply none of their business or anyone else’s for that matter; especially if they have nothing to do with gender or gender incongruence.

A Few Rules

1. Watch your pronouns! Refer to the person in the gender they are presenting not in your perception of what gender they are. To do so, you reduce them from being a person to a thing. How would you feel about that if it were you?

2. Don’t be intrusive. Unless you know the person well, don’t ask questions of a personal nature. You would resent it from someone you barely know so why would a transperson be any different? The fact is we are more sensitive to this than the average person.

3. Never make jokes at someone else’ expense. We have felt those barbs most of our lives and resent hearing them directed at anyone; deserved or not.

4. Look us in the eye when talking to us. If you are looking elsewhere we get the impression you are trying to get away. If that is how you feel, then excuse yourself and move on.

Opening the Door

It is a fact that most people like to talk about themselves and will; if given the chance or asked. We are no different.

Let’s assume you have just met or been introduced to a transperson. You are probably uncomfortable, just as they are. For instance, the transperson is already wondering; Is this person prejudicial; A bigot? Are they opposed to transgender for whatever reason? Will they verbally attack me? (yes it does happen more often than it should).

You are thinking; Is this person a nut job? Look at him/her, don’t they realize they are different? Why would they put themself through this; aren’t they ridiculed?

We have heard all the above, and both more, and a lot worse. So, why would you want to set someone you just or recently met on edge? You could be missing out on a great intellectual conversation or a new friend. So, the reality is, use your head and try to put yourself in their shoes.

“I don’t know much about transgender, so would you mind telling me a bit about it?”

It is an open ended question designed to elicit a response that is in no way threatening to anyone. It is not personal or intrusive. It allows the other person to decline with dignity if they don’t want to talk about it. Let’s face it, we all have bad days; right? The fact is, you don’t know.

If you listen, you will find leads to explore and in all likelihood, find common interests or people you both may know. It could be reading, music, or sports (yes, we like those too). You may have friends or acquaintances in common. Now you are talking to another human being, not a transperson. Funny how that works isn’t it?

Be Affirming

Avoid any references to “who they once were”. That is not the person in front of you. In most cases that person was a fabrication created to protect them from discrimination. That person is, for all intents and purposes; no longer in existence. This includes asking what their birth name was. Don’t say, “When you were a boy…” or “When you were a girl…” It is demeaning and irrelevant. If a point is raised by the transperson about this time in their life, they will make it, but if you raise it, they will resent it.

Be sensitive to your surroundings. A conversation about transgender during or between classes is inappropriate, just as it would be at a crowded social gathering.

Be mindful of your phrasing. Pronouns were already mentioned. If you are unsure of what is politically correct, do your research first. The internet has a great deal of information available (some of it conflicting of course) but if you are unsure, admit to your lack of knowledge and ask to be corrected if you do make a mistake. After all, you do want to know don’t you? In all likelihood, the person you are talking with will be more than willing to help and in fact will be grateful for the invitation to educate.

Avoid any comparisons between the transgender and non-trans populations. If you must make the reference, then using the term “cisgender” to refer to non-transgendered people is appropriate; and preferred. Don’t ever say “real” in reference to gender. That is sure to end the conversation before it begins.

Respect the Transperson’s Privacy

“It is about gender, not genitalia.” That should sum it up quite nicely. Would you be interested in talking about yours? Why would we? Anything about sex is an absolute No-no until an intimate relationship is established. Remember, we see sex and gender as two different entities. Gender we will discuss; our sex lives are none of your business.

If the question is important to the context of the conversation, don’t make it personal. Ask if most “transpeople’s sexual role changes with transition” instead of “Are you ultra femme in bed?” OUCH! I might be inclined to slap your face for something like that. Still, people can be total boors and we occasionally get it thrown at us. Imagine what a cisgendered girl would say or react to a question like that. We may appear to be “a man in a dress or a girl in a suit” but be assured we are as male or female in persona as your partner and just as easily offended.

The common misconception is that surgery for sexual reassignment is everyone’s goal. Well, that simply isn’t true; even within the transsexual population which is a very small portion of the transgender community, the number of people seeking this is very small. Even so, if someone indicates they are on that path, ask them if they would mind telling you the steps they have taken toward their goal of transition. Of course this is a question best left for a time when you have established a friendship.

Intimacy

Okay, get your mind out of the gutter. Intimacy doesn’t mean rumpling the sheets.

Getting between the sheets is another situation and can be very difficult for a transperson. Intimacy is about feelings, their depth and their meaning.

First off, you aren’t likely to get this far unless you have become very close friends or are dating. By that time, you will know the rules and the basics of course but still, mistakes can be made.

The barriers will be down and open dialogue can ensue as long as it is respectful. Humour can go a long way to easing tensions, but again, you will know the person quite well by this point in time.

Always be careful that you aren’t trampling on the transperson’s feelings. Remember, our gender identity is about feelings and we had to hide those for a long time just for self-preservation. It is easy for us to put those barriers back up and close the doors to communication. If we perceive someone is hurting us, the barriers go up right away. So, be careful and never “trap” a transperson or back them into a corner; unless of course you want to end the relationship. That is a sure way to do it.

So, now go and explore, learn, and laugh (we do that).

This site was last updated 02/26/11