Transgender London

Trans Respect 101

Many trans people are painfully aware of the differences we have from the general population. It is often a source of conflict both internally and externally. The real problems seem to originate from others; often people we know who are not quite sure how to "deal" with us. These could be coworkers, friends or family. We would like to be treated as people first and foremost. We would like to have the respect you would give anyone else. It really is that simple but of course, nothing about transgender is simple so hopefully the following will help.

General

Treat me as a member of the gender to which I identify; not to my presentation or your perceptions of what gender I am. If I identify as male then treat me as such, not as a natal female, or if I identify as female, treat me as such not as a natal male.
Do not talk about me as if I am a separate entity; an actor in a role if you will. In other words, if you are talking about me or with me, always consider that I have always been in my true gender. Dont say "When you were Bob" If you must refer to the past then do so by referring to it as before I came out or before I began my transition.
Use the correct pronouns both in my presence and away. Hearing of me referred to by my birth sex instead of my true gender both in my presence or second hand from a distance, hurts. It hurts because I see it as an insult, not just disrespect.
Use my correct name, not my birth name. It is not a nickname or a joke, it is who I am.
I understand that you may have difficulty with this and your adjustment is naturally difficult. Correcting yourself at the time or making a discreet personal apology after the fact goes a long way toward my respect for you. I am sure you want my respect as much as I want yours.
If you see others making unacceptable comments toward transgendered people, correct them or at the very least, make your displeasure known before you walk away.
Sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Do not assume I am either gay or heterosexual. It is just as inappropriate as it would be in the presence of a gay, lesbian, bisexual or asexual person. It is in fact, a violation of Human Rights Statutes.
Do not expect that I will stereotype into the gender presentations of pop culture or misinformed media. Many masculine women are still women just as many effeminate men are still men. That said, many transwomen or transmen may not have the generally accepted mannerisms of their gender. This does not make them less transgendered in any way.
Accept my decision to live my life in my true gender. I made this decision to allow myself to be happy and comfortable in my own body. The alternative is to deny it and be miserable. It is not your choice it is mine. You cannot change my choice.
Do not think this is a mental disorder. It is not. It is rooted in neurology, endocrinology and physiology for cause. I have no choice at all except to accept this or suffer for denying who I am.

Transition

Do not assume that I will have surgery. Most transsexuals do not and for various reasons.
Understand that genital surgery is reconstructive surgery; not cosmetic. It is a necessity for me to align my sense of gender and my sex. It is not transition,
Transition is a process of change. I learn to live, work and play in my true gender. It is this socialization that is transition, and nothing else.
Medical interventions are necessary for me to undertake my transition. They are not vain cosmetic procedures but essential for my well being in order to further my presentation in my true gender. Understand that I realize they can have adverse effects and these are risks I am willing to take. These are risks most people would cringe at. They can include organ failure, disfigurement and even death. I dont take them lightly and neither should you.

Social

Please! Dont call me or tell me about a transgender program you saw on television. I know all about it. In fact I probably know more than those who presented the program (even if they are psychologists). Remember, I LIVE with this.
Dont introduce me as your transgendered friend or whatever. I am a person not a thing. Introduce me by name and leave it at that. Alternatively, dont ignore me in social situations because it makes you uncomfortable.
ASK before taking my photograph. Do not show photos of me before my transition. To me they are hurtful and a painful reminder of a life denied.
Under NO circumstance should any photo with me in it be posted on the internet for any reason without my permission.
Do not associate being transsexual with cross dressing, transvestic fetishism, drag queens or drag kings, gay, lesbian or bisexual people. None of these, or other associated descriptions have anything in common with my situation.
The terms "tranny", "she male", "girly boy", etc are offensive and to be avoided. In fact, some of these and more, are used by the porn industry. I do not associate myself with that industry any more than you do. In fact I find their objectification of transsexuality offensive.
My physical presentation is NOT crossdressing. It is dressing to match my gender. For me, cross dressing is dressing as my natal sex. It would be the same as you crossdressing. You would feel ill at ease in a dress if you are a male; well, I feel ill at ease in a business suit because my gender is female.
If I am in the process of "coming out" NEVER assume that because you have been told, you have license to tell anyone you want. You dont. I told you because I trust you and want you to respect that confidence. I will tell people on my terms and in my own time. Dont destroy that trust I have given you.

Dating

Treat me as you would anyone in their true gender role. If I identify as female, treat me as such. Open doors, take my coat and help me be seated.
If you want to know about my past, ask if I am comfortable sharing that with you. This subject is an absolute NO-NO on the first few dates unless I offer to share it with you. I need to be able to trust the person I am with, and trust is not something I hand out like candy. I often has to be earned.
Get to know me; my likes and dislikes, my interests and my turn offs. If you try to focus on my being trans, I will quickly want the date to end.
Dont assume that I want sex. I may or may not. You will have to pick up on my clues.
- If sex is in the picture, then treat me as you would a natal partner. If I am F2M, let me take the lead. If I a M2F then treat me with the same consideration you would of any female.
- NEVER make references to any part of my anatomy. If I haven't had reconstructive surgery, dont place any attention on my breasts if I am F2M. It is my chest not your playground.
- Be an attentive lover. The key word here is lover. I dont want to be with a sex machine.
Be honest with me about yourself and your feelings. It will go a long way toward a second date.
If you are not seeking a relationship, then let that be known up front. Don't lead me on or build false hopes. It is cruel.
If you enjoyed my company then be sincere in expressing that.

Working

Treat me as you would any coworker however, practical jokes may no longer be a joke.
My skills and abilities have not diminished since beginning my transition. Dont make the mistake of assuming they have.
My need to use the correct washroom is not superficial or pushing boundaries. I can and will make some concessions but only for a time.
If you are going to play silly games that could be construed as discrimination or prejudice, expect that I will react by escalating my complaints to the highest level, including legal action in the form of a Human Rights complaint. It is not something I will take lightly and neither should you.
Ignoring me or cutting me "out of the loop" is discrimination. See the above point.
If my job will jeopardize the company's presentation to its customers or the public then negotiate a change of responsibilities with me, but do not make the mistake of assuming you can lower my wages and benefits accordingly. That too is grounds for a Human Rights complaint.
If you decide you are going to "Build a Case" for dismissal, be careful, be very careful because it can be legally seen as constructive dismissal. It too is grounds for a Human Rights complaint.

The final summary of these situations and many more is this; I am a person just like you. I want to be treated with dignity and respect and am not willing to be an object of ridicule. Treat me with the respect you yourself would want and life will be pleasant. I will be happy and not make yours or anyone else's life difficult. All I want is to live my life in peace without any undue hardships. It is your choice how you treat me; not mine. I do not want confrontation any more than I want to suffer discrimination. I only want to be seen for the person I am, not the person you think you see.

This site was last updated 08/11/10